I Really Miss the Soviet Union. The bad guys were way better when I was a youngster.

As an American I love America, I truly do. So it’s not unpatriotic that I mourn the demise of our greatest foe. Rather I am looking at today’s enemies of democracy and wishing they were as cool as the Soviets were.

Sure, the Soviet Union was an oppressive regime that was willing to bring the world to the brink of nuclear annihilation. But they had style! The red star… the hammer and sickle… it was like they were designed by a comic book artist who had been told to create the symbols of an evil empire. Just look at their flag! It was something that crushes and something that slashes on a big bunch of red. That was just bad ass. Now the Russian flag is like a dyslexic version of France’s. And no one is afraid of dyslexics or the French.

The Soviets had cool toys. Would Ice Cube known what a good day he had been having if Mikhail Timofeyevich Kalashnikov hadn’t invented the AK-47 that he didn’t have to use? The Soviets also had the MiG-25, which was not only the fastest combat aircraft ever but its funky capitalization predated Internet usernames by decades. And just think… if the Soviets hadn’t launched Sputnik then NASA would had never faked the moon landing after the CIA killed Kennedy.

Rosa Klebb – From Russia With Love

In addition to gadgets, the USSR packed another kind of heat… smoking hot spy girls. The Soviets loved using sex to get secrets. The female agents used in these sort of missions were known as “swallows” because why wouldn’t they be? But today’s enemies are about as sexy as Rosa Klebb. Sure, there are some female terrorists but they tend to be suicide bombers, which is not very hot at all. You’d think China and North Korea would step up, having over half a billion Asian chicks between them, but they’re really lagging behind on nooky-based espionage.

There was one other awesome thing the Soviets did. They killed a whole bunch of Nazis. Sure, Stalin cut a deal with Hitler over Poland. But once the USSR got into the Nazi killing business they made up for lost time and then some. The Battle of Stalingrad was one of the bloodiest in history and a major turning point in World War II. The Soviets emerge victorious by launching Operation Uranus, which was named that because the Red Army wanted the Nazis to know exactly where they were going to be sticking their boots. Once the war ended Stalin did some major league dickery but for a few years there Uncle Joe was a good guy to have on your side. It was like America was the Rocketeer, the Soviets were the mobsters, and Jennifer Connelly was some other country with a nice rack. OK, that analogy kinda fell apart there but you get the idea.

Life in the Free World just hasn’t been the same since the collapse of the Soviet Union, besides that whole not living in fear of being nuked thing. Just look at pro wrestling. At one time bald burly commies like Ivan Koloff, Nikolai Volkoff, and Boris Zhukov all menaced the squared circle to great success. Today there’s no good source for evil foreigners. The only good one we got now is from freakin’ Switzerland. James Bond has suffered too. No more SMERSH, instead we get television executives and water salesmen as villains. And don’t get me started on the Red Dawn remake.

And so I sit here with a shot of vodka in my hand as I listen to Elton John’s “Nikita” and feel nostalgic towards my Cold War youth. I kid… it’s a bottle of beer and I’m watching the topless version of the “Blurred Lines” video. But the sentiment remains… goodnight, sweet Union of Soviet Socialist Republics. You were the best enemy we had.